Friday night saw the biennial OHAFC dinner take place, for the first time ever, at the Hurlingham Club in south west London and some 150 guests enjoy a fine meal before being entertained, to varying degrees, by a quartet of 1st XI captains past and present.

The evening began with a few looseners in the Palm Court where watchful bar staff had been ordered to keep an eye on Bobby Tindall - earlier Club Secretary Harry Woolley had distributed various photographs of the Veteran 'goalkeeper' and issued strict instructions that if he began talking nonsense to stop serving him alcohol immediately. Unfortunately, this led to him not being served any alcohol at all, such was the long-winded, nonsensical nature of his first order.

At the prescribed hour guests were ushered into the cosy Broomhouse Suite where tables were attractively laid out in anticipation of the feast to come.

The menu was somewhat eclectic, although according to Dinner Secretary Paul Molloy it was 'the best choice there was.'

This statement was hotly debated on table 14, where Charlie Reid, who has attended more dinners and tours than played games for the Club, questioned whether it was a deliberate ploy to hide the beetroot remoulade under the folds of smoked salmon and whether the addition of some raisins and sultanas to the mix was quite necessary. He then surprised everyone by suggesting the dried fruits were identical to those found in his favourite supermarket fruit loaf, Soreen.

The main course featured two conjoined chops of lamb paired with a pumpkin and pearl barley risotto. Unfortunately, the risotto took on the appearance of prison gruel with some 'bits of orange stuff' in and so was found to be less than appetising by some.

Pudding did much to pull the overall verdict into the positive however with a light crème brulee served in a spectacularly rectangular dish accompanied by a melange of berries to the side.

Coffee and chocolates were then provided to ensure everyone stayed awake through the speeches.

First up was former Club President Fred Woolley who, despite only acting as MC and being asked to introduce the speakers, still found the time to slip in his world famous 'hump every ten yards' gag - an OHAFC dinner tradition as welcome as finding the beetroot remoulade under your smoked salmon.

Current President Andy Butler then introduced his own version of the 'Higher or Lower' game with guests asked to select which of two options was correct and remain standing if they were right.

As predicted, professional heads and tails players the Hoffen brothers sailed through the early rounds without any bother at all, adopting a bewildering array of tactics to make it appear as thought they were answering each question correctly.

Once called up on stage however their blatant disregard for the rules soon became apparent and they were justly eliminated but the final two had more than an air of suspicion about them: multiple higher or lower winner and Dinner Secretary Paul Molloy, who claimed he had no knowledge of any inside information and pooh-poohed suggestions he had earlier done a deal with Butler to win the money and return it to Club coffers (keeping a small retainer for his efforts) and Hattie Clark, a guest who was later described to much amusement by 1's skipper Ed Poulter as 'a friend of many of the 1st XI'...

At this point Butler forced everyone to reach for the coffee again when, instead of producing an amusing finale, he asked the two finalists a question about Mount Aconcagua. Molloy stared blankly at the screen searching for clues, Hattie asked what 'Mount' stood for. With neither contestant, nor much of the audience, knowing what on earth was going on, Clark was declared the winner on account of wearing the nicer dress.

She was then offered the chance to double her money but having got that wrong was then told she could keep her original prize anyway. Fortunately there was no-one present from the FA Equality Commission...

Current 1st XI skipper Ed Poulter then took over to introduce the prizes and, having seen the impact a glamorous blonde had on the assembled throng, recalled Clark to the stage to help present the trophies. By this stage Tindall's drool had formed a sizeable puddle under his chair and staff had to nip over to the cricket ground to fetch the sawdust, Bobby claiming he was 'unable to find his length without some solid footholes'.

With no Jubilee Cup having been played this year, Jack Orr-Ewing was presented with the trophy for the second time having won it in 2013. Harry Turner was then presented with the Bert Worthy Young Player of the Year Award (below) and Harry Woolley with the Charles Clover Brown salver for services to the Club, richly deserved following the revelation that he could now use the 5kg weights in his local gym.

At this point, with the fourth and final member of the quartet of 1's captains about to speak, in walked yet another former leader in the not inconsiderable shape of David Manasseh, who declined to pay for a ticket on account of his struggling business interests - it was sad to see a former leading light of the Club reduced to moving from table to table searching for scraps of leftovers, the only clothes he could find clearly borrowed or stolen from a charity shop. Indeed, his blue jacket appeared to be covered in hair or fur or both and led Rupert Hoffen to enquire if he had just finished his shift as maitre'd at the Gaucho restaurant in Sloane Avenue.

Attention then turned back to Charlie Feather, Manasseh's predecessor as captain, and his quaintly titled 'Reminiscence' of OHAFC life.

In truth, this turned out to be a combination of lewd jokes and incoherent mumblings, although to be fair Charlie was not helped by the inconsistent form shown by his microphone. A suggestion that Fred Woolley was guarding a remote on/off switch under his table went unchecked.

Feather finished, finally, with an odd joke about a night out in Yorkshire some time ago and a woman with a wonky eye, although when the punchline came it carried all the weight of an under-nourished butterfly who had lived it's life being fed pumpkin and pearl barley risotto.

With the unpleasantness over, guests retired to the bar, or some, plainly traumatised by the evening's events, just retired.

For the younger members a trip to Bodo Schloss, an Austrian ski chalet-themed nightclub in Kensington High Street, beckoned.

It all proved too much for League legend Matt Barry, who passed out in the taxi on the way and decided it was much simpler just to stay inside the vehicle and continue on his way home than face the mysteries that lay inside.

Once inside the twenty-strong group were generously provided with free vodka and two benches by club hostess Miss Georgie Le Roux, whose statuesque figure allowed her to keep an eye on any potential trouble, which started soon enough when Quentin Baker found the lure of batting a hanging light too hard to resist.

Drinks were swiftly removed, as was Baker, and with Clark and Le Roux nowhere to be seen, there was little to maintain the group's interest (Chuka Ilogu dancing maniacally and terrifying people was, admittedly, of some interest).

It had been another excellent evening courtesy of the OHAFC.

(Thanks to Azhar Khan for the photos - official dinner photos will be released shortly)