It has just been confirmed that the biennial OHAFC Players' Dinner will this year be held at Mare Moto on the Kings Road on Saturday, February 20th.

Following on from last year's hugely successful Club Dinner at the Hurlingham, it is hoped that as many OHAFC players as possible will attend an informal night of great food, moderate wine and appalling dancing at one of SW6's most alliterative nightspots.

Previous Players' Dinners have been held at the Ebury and Pagliaccio's but this promises to be the most convenient venue yet, with excellent transport links from south west London and the restaurant, bar and club all housed within one building, meaning it simply won't be necessary to Uber, meine Bruder...

On arrival at Mare Moto, players can expect to buy their own drinks. But once seated in the lavishly appointed restaurant, a nominal charge of £35 can be exchanged for a three course meal, a half bottle of wine AND a bottle of lager - sufficient to get Harry Woolley standing on the tables with his shirt off shouting 'D'ya want some them?' to anyone unfortunate enough to have booked a table at the same time as us.

The menu is classic Italian with a twist: Insalata Tricolore includes the usual avocado, tomato and mozzarella BUT comes with crispy lettuce; chateaubriand comes not with sauce béarnaise but with a 'shallot butter sauce'; and lasagne comes not with layers of mince, but layers of meatballs...ooh, mince.

Puddings, or Desserts as those crazy Italians call them, are more classical, with your bog standard crème brulee, tiramisu and, for the those who like to live dangerously, an Italian cheese platter.

After the meal, which is expected to drag on as waiters search in vain for all fifteen recipients of the 'garlic bread with cheese' starter (cue some slack-jawed member of the 3rd XI piping up with 'but I ordered mine without the cheese'), some of your OHAFC glitterati may rise and offer a few pearls of wisdom.

Once this unpleasantness is over with however, you will be free to roam the establishment as you wish. Upstairs there is a bar and polite topical conversation is the order of the day. Downstairs, for those thinking of 'making a move' or indeed 'busting a groove', a local disc jockey offering some 'dope beef whack tunes' (Mare Moto's words, not mine) will be your host as you while away the small hours, staggering around a hot, over-crowded dark basement looking for the smoking area/loos.

With the OHAFC social calendar for early February looking a bit thin, players have a simple choice to make: either turn up to Mare Moto with a Bobby Moore, Ayrton Senna and Deep Sea Diver in your sky rocket, or else join Fred Milln and his family, who are hosting a separate party that night. By way of an example, this is the Milln family last weekend, celebrating after they had finally completed a 100-piece 'Mr Blobby' jigsaw puzzle Fred was given for Christmas - they started it on Boxing Day. The choice is yours...

PS. For those coming to Mare Moto, it is obligatory to say 'Allo Moto' to the maitre'd on entering his establishment - failure to do so may result in access being denied.