The full, shocking reason for OHAFC centre-half Fred Milln's absence from last weekend's hugely successful Festiphil tournament can today be revealed by OHAFC.com - and the news will not make pretty reading for 1's skipper Ed Poulter.

The self-styled 'hardman' of Arthurian League football had claimed that he was unable to play in this year's Festiphil due to a nagging ankle injury picked up on the dancefloor at Raffles while he was trying to impress Made in Chelsea's Cheska with his interpretation of the Macarena.

BUT earlier this week an anonymous tip-off to ohafc.com towers in central London alerted our reporters to the shocking truth behind 'JT's' failure to show for the annual OHAFC curtain-raiser on Saturday afternoon: he was in Swindon with his girlfriend having a pedicure.

Our exclusive pictures show a clearly-embarrassed Milln cowering under his Matalan jumper having his feet washed and pampered by a poor pedicurist who, we can now reveal, resigned soon after her shocking experience, unable to treat any more customers after having to deal with Milln's 'plates of meat'.

Our source at the unnamed salon, located in one of the rougher parts of the Wiltshire town, revealed that:

• On arrival Milln asked if he could have a peppermint tea while he waited and then began casually leafing through a copy of Woman's Weekly
• Staff had to don emergency clothes pegs on their noses as Milln removed his Burberry socks
• Janice, the work experience junior, was sent across the road to the Co-operative TWICE to buy rolls of bin liners to hold all the hair that was trimmed from the top of Milln's feet

Several questions remain unanswered from this sorry episode in the soon-to-be-30-year-old's career and Club President Andy Butler was only too happy to share his thoughts on the awkward re-integration process that awaits:

"If this is his 'sole' indiscretion and he agrees to 'toe' the party line from now on then I think the 'feet' of welcoming him back into the squad is something we can 'bridge'.

But I am very 'cheesed' off. We thought we had 'nailed' his 'pore' behaviour but apparently not."

Butler then winked at our reporter and walked off into the distance, narrowly avoiding an Evening Standard salesman outside Marble 'Arch' tube station.

Next week: A new competition for our readers - Guess the weight of hair (to the nearest KG) lasered off Fred Milln's feet and you could win a year's subscription to Woman's Weekly magazine