On a beautiful Sunday morning in west London, the OHAFC Veterans and Harrow Beaks played their annual friendly match on the wonderful Sunley pitch at the School - sadly, the excellence of the surroundings was not matched by the quality of football on display!

The event was slightly more special this year with the game being played on Founders Day, although hopes of a bumper crowd proved optimistic and, at the time of kick-off comprised solely of Manuel de Souza's three children and poor Giles Paul, who had travelled to the game in his trusty pink shirt to referee only to find on arrival that his services were not required, the Beaks deciding that a 'proper' match official should be employed.

For the opening thirty-five minutes the referee was the only 'proper' thing on the pitch with neither side able to cope with the open spaces of the Sunley Field, passes regularly being misplaced and annoyingly drilled out of play and down the hill towards the astro pitches, requiring lengthy stoppages.

The Beaks had the better of the play, exhibiting a better command of the basics of the beautiful game, but rarely threatened the Veterans' goal. This was just as well, for it looked as though on this occasion even the most simple of tasks would prove to be beyond Bobby Tindall's capabilities: his first touch saw him slice the ball, under minimal pressure, twenty yards behind him, conceding a needless corner; his second piece of action, following a routine catch, saw him try to throw the ball out to the right wing where Lederman was waiting, only to deliver some sort of doosra, requiring the winger to sprint back towards his own goal line to collect the ball and hammer it upfield.

With the game going nowhere fast, the final ten minutes of the half suddenly produced three 'highlights' that had the crowd, if not cheering wildly, at least looking up with vague interest.

A Harrow clearance allowed Lederman to feed de Souza down the inside right channel, he turned past the last defender and squared for a simple tap-in for Walduck only for the Imperial Hotel waiter to somehow screw the ball wide of the far post from three yards out.

Play soon switched to the other end but helpfully an attempted through-ball was overhit by the Beaks and Tindall scrambled out of goal to clear. Unhelpfully, he did nothing of the sort, wafting his foot in the vague vicinity of the ball only to see it roll straight past him and into his net. It would be accurate to say therefore that the Beaks opened the scoring with a 40-yard effort. It would also be accurate to say Harrow's 'keeper was entirely to blame for this and the pre-game production of a bag of satsumas, purchased the day before from Acton market for a pound, would in no way help shield him from every single one of his teammates thinking at that very moment 'why do I let this clown ruin my Sunday mornings?'

At this stage, the Vets' 'shot-letter-in' was joined at the top of the 'why on Earth did he do that?' list of things to have happened on the pitch when the referee inexplicably denied the visitors a blatant penalty, Jon Ingram being shoved to the ground from behind by the monstrous Beaks centre-half who thrust his leg in the way just in case the push in the back failed to have the desired effect.

It was an ill-deserved 1-0 scoreline to take into the break but as the second half got underway, with Giles Paul now at the Job Centre for unemployed match officials, the referee soon uncovered a sinister plot by the Beaks to improve their performance using the underhand tactic of not wearing any shinpads. Initially suggesting there were two players falling foul of this rule, the official and Veterans players were left open-mouthed as half the Beaks team sheepishly ran to the touchline to try to find some leg protection.

It was just as well the boys had yet to arrive for their games of Harrow Football: surely such behaviour, were it to be seen, would be bound to induce some Monday morning wags to enquire 'Got your shinpads on sir?' as 2a Latin kicks off at 9am in the New Schools.

Unfortunately it was to be the highlight of the half with both sides reverting to type and producing some fairly poor football. The Beaks scored once more, a well-worked move that sent one of their number through on goal and unsurprisingly the sight of Tindall standing in front of him made not the slightest difference.

Poor Bobby finally decided he was sufficiently warmed-up in the closing minutes when he produced a genuinely superb save, diving to his right to tip a well-struck shot past the post. But it was too little, too late and, incidentally, the satsumas were not 'sweet and juicy' as he had earlier claimed, more 'bruised and bitter'...much like the Vets at the final whistle.