Jack Orr-Ewing, one half of the legendary OHAFC brotherly pairing that took Prague by storm last Easter and is threatening to do likewise in Sofia this time around, today unveiled the new pair of boots he hopes will last him until at least the vernal equinox later this year, quite possibly into Whitsun 2014.

Eerily following in the footsteps of Everton chairman Bill Kenwright, who uttered precisely the same words when introducing his club's signing of Phil Neville back in 2005, Jack stated his belief that his new purchase would 'take this club to another level, both on and off the pitch.'

It was a fitting choice of words from 'Wor Jack', highlighting the many similarities between himself and former England 'legend' Phil:

Both are versatile defenders who struggle with the finer points of the game.

Both have older brothers who are better at football than them and play(ed) for better teams.

Both have better looking brothers than them (although not by much).

Both have had issues with horses in the past - Phil looks like one, Jack works for a company that generously included them in their lasagne and meatballs.

In true Billy's Boots fashion, Jack is so enamoured with his new 'set of wheels' he has vowed to take them wherever he goes, even if that means introducing them to a particularly nice lady friend he may meet in Bulgaria.

When asked for his thoughts on the purchase, 2's captain Arjun Chopra shook his head in dismay, before trotting out some well-worn cliches familiar to all the 'Flash-Harry's' who hang about changing rooms of a Saturday afternoon:

'All the gear, no idea' was soon followed by 'All the equipment, no commitment' before tailing off with a seldom-heard 'All the stash, no chance of g...etting a game'

(Nike Cosmo V-Stripe Xcalibur Pro Motion Graveloids with pro-personalisation and dri-fit interweave traxion sole therma layer blades are now available in all good sports shops, priced £299 rrp - 2's players need not apply)